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I'm not in tune with my body at all. Some fat people are. I am not... I don't know when I've gained or lost weight. I don't feel tired when I eat junk, and I don't feel energized when I eat healthily- even when I do it for weeks. Yoga hasn't made me more attuned with my body. Exercise doesn't energize me (even when I work out everyday for weeks and weeks).
I have a high tolerance for pain but am extremely sensitive to the touch. For a long time, I hated my body. I couldn't be naked around myself... I would get int the shower, wash quickly and then dress- still half wet- in the bathroom. For a long time, I didn't want anyone to hug me and felt very uncomfortable when they did.
But why? WHY? Perhaps because, at a young age, the world out there made me feel uncomfortable about my body- like it was an atrocity, a disservice to the world. Even worse the people in my life who were supposed to love me no matter what were the people who most often hurled insults my way- the insults came in the blatant "Fat ass!" "You are disfigured" "Ewe" (Dad) and the less blatant "Don't you like boys?" "You'll never get into college or be hired with that body" "Aren't you embarrassed to see x skinny person when you've gained weight?" (Mom). I had no place in the world or in my home to talk about how I felt about it (if I did talk about it, they would just tell me to lose the weight- that it was easy- that I could do it- but I would think "what if I can't?"). I had no safe place... not even my head where the world's words reverberated ....to deal with it, to grow to love it, to get in tune. So I hated them, that thing they call a body, those cells they call adipose. I tuned it out. Maybe that's why I don't feel changes now.
Even now I have my moments, after these many years of accepting myself. Sometimes I get sudden moments of disgust, fear, embarrassment when I realize my shirt has been riding up a little or when I flash a little skin. But I'm a little better.....I let people hug me and can be nude with myself and with those I trust.
I want to be more in tune- but how can I be? I try to eat properly and do yoga. I exercise. I wonder if it will take me feeling beautiful for that to happen.... I worry that this belief is what is needed because I know I will never feel that way. I know it will take a lot for me to feel beautiful. I feel I could never be beautiful and fat. I know if I lose weight I'll ugly sagging excess....and I am sad.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
SEXY
Tonight, I'm going out with some friends to a party. They ask me what I will wear- my answer "Oh this dress or that one." In my head I think- "I just want to feel beautiful, sexy, gorgeous!"
I haven't felt sexy since the seventh grade. I was going to my very first school dance and had on tight (too tight- I was bursting out of it- and not in a good way) dark pink 3/4 sleeved top and medium rinse bellobottoms that had a little groovy trim on the bottom. I thought I looked hot. I felt sexy and I loved it. I went to the dance with my new sexy attitude danced to my hearts content and even asked a boy to dance with me. It was glorious.
Since then I haven't felt sexy- I've felt desired but not sexy. I've felt well-dressed but not hot..... why not? Someone else can't make me feel like I felt that night. I've had men want to sleep with me and tell me I'm beautiful and specifically comment on my "adipose parts" and how wonderful they are. I've been comfortable and I've been well dressed and I've been desired...but I've never been able to recapture that moment of feeling sexy and more important- of feeling completely confident in how I looked.
In fact, when people desire me, I feel like it is a twisted and dirty desire. I imagine that they are broken and that their brokenness allows them to desire me in a physical way (they would never want to get to know me, I imagine!). I imagine that they are perverted, crazy, twisted, that they have this weird fetish, one the world can't understand. I imagine that they are settling because they want a woman who won't say no, one who feels lucky just to be looked at. I imagine they are desperate. This is awful!
Sigh, sigh... have you had experiences like these?
Talk soon, PP
I haven't felt sexy since the seventh grade. I was going to my very first school dance and had on tight (too tight- I was bursting out of it- and not in a good way) dark pink 3/4 sleeved top and medium rinse bellobottoms that had a little groovy trim on the bottom. I thought I looked hot. I felt sexy and I loved it. I went to the dance with my new sexy attitude danced to my hearts content and even asked a boy to dance with me. It was glorious.
Since then I haven't felt sexy- I've felt desired but not sexy. I've felt well-dressed but not hot..... why not? Someone else can't make me feel like I felt that night. I've had men want to sleep with me and tell me I'm beautiful and specifically comment on my "adipose parts" and how wonderful they are. I've been comfortable and I've been well dressed and I've been desired...but I've never been able to recapture that moment of feeling sexy and more important- of feeling completely confident in how I looked.
In fact, when people desire me, I feel like it is a twisted and dirty desire. I imagine that they are broken and that their brokenness allows them to desire me in a physical way (they would never want to get to know me, I imagine!). I imagine that they are perverted, crazy, twisted, that they have this weird fetish, one the world can't understand. I imagine that they are settling because they want a woman who won't say no, one who feels lucky just to be looked at. I imagine they are desperate. This is awful!
Sigh, sigh... have you had experiences like these?
Talk soon, PP
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Hello, Pleasure to Make Your Aquaintence
After working for a social media company for quite some number of weeks now- I've decided to take the plunge, begin a blog, and see if I can reach people like me- fat and, well, ALMOST proud of it (hey, I'm getting there).
You don't have to agree with every post I write or with any, but I do hope you'll be able to empathize, understand, think. If you're fat (or even if you're not) maybe you've had a similar experience... and if you're not fat, well maybe walking a mile in my shoes will give you another perspective.
I've been fat for a long time and it certainly affects how I look at the world, how I feel, and what I think. I consider adipose an important aspect of my life for good or bad, and I want this blog to reflect its importance . That having been said, despite the fact that I want this to be about fat, I also want it to be about life.
It's important when you start any endeavor to set out goals- even if you know they will change, even if you're confident you won't achieve them, and even if you're sure the goals aren't the point. So, here they are:
First, this blog will be about exposing what it's like for me to live in the world as a young fat woman. I don't want you to have sympathy- I want you to stop being an a**! Or maybe I do want you to have sympathy? see my story break below, Story BREAKS will happen a lot:
....
Story BREAK, I'll update this later.
......
Second, this blog will be about finding a voice and staying on point. I'm very good at taking on others voices but don't have a strong one myself....in the future you may think that many people are writing this blog- no just me and my many writing styles.
It's also about teaching myself to stay on point. As you can see, I have a tendency to add in every little thing- often essays and life for that matter are better edited.
I'll try to cut the scenes together for you- this is not my life uncut.
Third, this blog will be about love. Figure that one out!
Oh and... For the next few entries, I'll probably let you know my favorite written-by-others fat stories (with links!). I'll be looking at their experiences and their voice in order to help me find my own! I may also post a few of my own stories....muwaha. Get excited.
Cheers, Pip and Kiss, PP
You don't have to agree with every post I write or with any, but I do hope you'll be able to empathize, understand, think. If you're fat (or even if you're not) maybe you've had a similar experience... and if you're not fat, well maybe walking a mile in my shoes will give you another perspective.
I've been fat for a long time and it certainly affects how I look at the world, how I feel, and what I think. I consider adipose an important aspect of my life for good or bad, and I want this blog to reflect its importance . That having been said, despite the fact that I want this to be about fat, I also want it to be about life.
It's important when you start any endeavor to set out goals- even if you know they will change, even if you're confident you won't achieve them, and even if you're sure the goals aren't the point. So, here they are:
First, this blog will be about exposing what it's like for me to live in the world as a young fat woman. I don't want you to have sympathy- I want you to stop being an a**! Or maybe I do want you to have sympathy? see my story break below, Story BREAKS will happen a lot:
....
Story BREAK, I'll update this later.
......
Second, this blog will be about finding a voice and staying on point. I'm very good at taking on others voices but don't have a strong one myself....in the future you may think that many people are writing this blog- no just me and my many writing styles.
It's also about teaching myself to stay on point. As you can see, I have a tendency to add in every little thing- often essays and life for that matter are better edited.
I'll try to cut the scenes together for you- this is not my life uncut.
Third, this blog will be about love. Figure that one out!
Oh and... For the next few entries, I'll probably let you know my favorite written-by-others fat stories (with links!). I'll be looking at their experiences and their voice in order to help me find my own! I may also post a few of my own stories....muwaha. Get excited.
Cheers, Pip and Kiss, PP
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