You'll hear about this again- Bodies

I'm not in tune with my body at all. Some fat people are. I am not... I don't know when I've gained or lost weight. I don't feel tired when I eat junk, and I don't feel energized when I eat healthily- even when I do it for weeks. Yoga hasn't made me more attuned with my body. Exercise doesn't energize me (even when I work out everyday for weeks and weeks).

I have a high tolerance for pain but am extremely sensitive to the touch. For a long time, I hated my body. I couldn't be naked around myself... I would get int the shower, wash quickly and then dress- still half wet- in the bathroom. For a long time, I didn't want anyone to hug me and felt very uncomfortable when they did.

But why? WHY? Perhaps because, at a young age, the world out there made me feel uncomfortable about my body- like it was an atrocity, a disservice to the world. Even worse the people in my life who were supposed to love me no matter what were the people who most often hurled insults my way- the insults came in the blatant "Fat ass!" "You are disfigured" "Ewe" (Dad) and the less blatant "Don't you like boys?" "You'll never get into college or be hired with that body" "Aren't you embarrassed to see x skinny person when you've gained weight?" (Mom). I had no place in the world or in my home to talk about how I felt about it (if I did talk about it, they would just tell me to lose the weight- that it was easy- that I could do it- but I would think "what if I can't?"). I had no safe place... not even my head where the world's words reverberated ....to deal with it, to grow to love it, to get in tune. So I hated them, that thing they call a body, those cells they call adipose. I tuned it out. Maybe that's why I don't feel changes now.

Even now I have my moments, after these many years of accepting myself. Sometimes I get sudden moments of disgust, fear, embarrassment when I realize my shirt has been riding up a little or when I flash a little skin. But I'm a little better.....I let people hug me and can be nude with myself and with those I trust.

I want to be more in tune- but how can I be? I try to eat properly and do yoga. I exercise. I wonder if it will take me feeling beautiful for that to happen.... I worry that this belief is what is needed because I know I will never feel that way. I know it will take a lot for me to feel beautiful. I feel I could never be beautiful and fat. I know if I lose weight I'll ugly sagging excess....and I am sad.