SEXY

Tonight, I'm going out with some friends to a party. They ask me what I will wear- my answer "Oh this dress or that one." In my head I think- "I just want to feel beautiful, sexy, gorgeous!"

I haven't felt sexy since the seventh grade. I was going to my very first school dance and had on tight (too tight- I was bursting out of it- and not in a good way) dark pink 3/4 sleeved top and medium rinse bellobottoms that had a little groovy trim on the bottom. I thought I looked hot. I felt sexy and I loved it. I went to the dance with my new sexy attitude danced to my hearts content and even asked a boy to dance with me. It was glorious.

Since then I haven't felt sexy- I've felt desired but not sexy. I've felt well-dressed but not hot..... why not? Someone else can't make me feel like I felt that night. I've had men want to sleep with me and tell me I'm beautiful and specifically comment on my "adipose parts" and how wonderful they are. I've been comfortable and I've been well dressed and I've been desired...but I've never been able to recapture that moment of feeling sexy and more important- of feeling completely confident in how I looked.

In fact, when people desire me, I feel like it is a twisted and dirty desire. I imagine that they are broken and that their brokenness allows them to desire me in a physical way (they would never want to get to know me, I imagine!). I imagine that they are perverted, crazy, twisted, that they have this weird fetish, one the world can't understand. I imagine that they are settling because they want a woman who won't say no, one who feels lucky just to be looked at. I imagine they are desperate. This is awful!

Sigh, sigh... have you had experiences like these?

Talk soon, PP